Impend

2005-04-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

## Traced

2005-04-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

## Network Erosion
# Standby
. . .
## Reveal

Conflict of interest

2005-04-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

I've never been so confused before in all my life.

Last nights party at Avalon held more than a few revalations, and none of them from the most likely of sources. I spoke with KenedaJade outside the club -- a conversation that was met with a bit of nervousness on both our ends. Oddly enough, he seemed to not want to talk about the matter in front of his Captain, and when I saw Eunoia walk by I got a bit nervous myself. After that one, we decided to take the meeting to a different location.

Maybe he's right. While I had heard the solution before, maybe I hadn't heard it from the right person? He told me that maybe what I was looking for was forgiveness -- redemption for the crimes I have committed. I can honestly say that I'm not looking to be forgiven, because I don't believe it would help, nor would I ever get it. But in what else he said, that running away won't help. . well, it's an old cliche but he's probably right.

In reinsertion, I may in fact have more to lose than to gain. I'd be defenseless with no memories of my enemies. I wouldn't be able to see through the promises I believe in so dearly. I wouldn't be able to protect my loved ones. .

So what do I have to gain? Well, I honestly can't answer that question. Keneda said that matter what, reinsertion won't put my soul to rest. From what I've seen, I'm starting to believe less and less in souls. Regardless, I personally would be in a much better position. No Exit would be in less danger than it is now, from both our enemies and my own cursed luck. It would end a lot of grief for my Mother and Sister who don't know the truth as to why I'm gone all the time now.

. . .

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. We're all acting as if I'm leaving tonight but I don't know. I just. Don't. Know.

I'm not asking for help, because I believe that everyone has said their piece. I guess we'll just find out tonight, right?

Eggshells and those that walk upon them

2005-04-22T04:31:00.000-07:00

Once again, live from the blue pill home of one Fallon Williams, here's Janissary.

Only a few short days away from my reinsertion into the system and it has more than a few people very. . concerned, I suppose is the right word for it. In my last post, I said that we're all working under the assumption that I'm getting reinserted. I suppose it's all for real now.

I keep trying to fathom the fact that no, I'm not going to remember any of this. All these lates, sitting in front of a terminal and typing out these words will all be for nothing. The friendships I've built and the people I've grown so close with in this short time won't be able to reach me, because no matter what I'll be too far away.

Veneer I think hit home the closest-

You won't remember me if I bought you a cup of coffee one day, or if I went rampant and took over half the Matrix. You can't get around reality.

I made two people make a promise to me in the past two days, both of which are of the utmost importance to me. Whether I remember you guys or not, a promise is a promise.

I was almost entertaining the fact of maybe writing a note to myself, here in the system and placing it in my RSI's pockets. . seeing if maybe it goes through the reinsertion. Maybe I'll just write "No Exit" backwards on my forehead -- see if the Machines let it slide. Ehh, it's all a fantasy though.

And isn't that a fitting way to end this post?

Iktomi

2005-04-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

I know you're out there. Grinning your little head off as you stare into your monitor, relishing in the fact that I'm having to state myself in the open like this. And that's okay. I accept that. I'm starting to accept a lot of things.

I don't have to tell you anything before you know everything.

I told Eunoia. I told her everything -- but that's what you expected me to do, right? I told her that I've been in contact with you for a long time. You used to tell me to not mention you to her. That it would upset her. Man oh man. . if only you were there to see the fire in her eyes when I told her that we've been in contact. I thought she was going to knock my head off.

It was like our own little game, wasn't it? I never bothered to tell her because I didn't think you were of any real importance. Just someone, or something with a bit too much information. Or maybe too much free time on their hands. It wasn't until you linked yourself to her that it all fell together.

Everyone keeps telling me that I have so much potential. So much potential. . And you told me that I could be your little chosen one. How can I have potential, and how can I be the chosen one if I want to be reinserted? If I'm taking the cowards way out, taking the blue pill and returning to dreamland?

I would ask you, but you said it yourself. You're no Oracle. You merely harvest information and despite your confidence, you don't know the future and nor do I. Yet, I do know this. .

Paul. In the event that you fullfill your promise to me . . that after I go back to sleep, you hunt me down, you fill my head with hope and you reawaken me with another red pill. . listen to me.

I swear to you that I will snap out of it. And when I do, I will make sure that you suffer to your very last breath.

We're all working under the assumption that I'm being reinserted by the end of this week. Let's see if I can make it out alive, shall we?

Getting Smaller

2005-04-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm typing this from my home inside the system. Today has been. . Well, let me explain it a little since I doubt he'll ever find my blog. I'm going to keep this short because I'm just not in a real talkative mood.

I must have mentioned this at some point, but my Father is a self-aware blue pill. I'm not sure for how long, but he told me that Zionist recruiters have always tried to pull him out of the system, but he never accepted their offers for our families sake. I guess thats why the Machines never went after him. He never made himself a threat to anybody.

Needless to say, my Dad is a fan of the cause of Zion. He assumes that I work for them, much like he would. I didn't have the heart, nor the guts to tell him otherwise.

As I sit here in my old room, IM'ing old friends and listening to the music left on this machine, I can't help but wonder -- almost seemingly plot. .

Is it possible to go back in time and take the blue pill?

Eating Glass

2005-04-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

I'm extremely worn out by my day both in and out of the system, so this is going to be a quick post.

The "Being" is docked here at the Machine outpost, specifically designed for their operatives to refuel, resupply and all that good stuff for the weekend. Why? Well, I'm not certain on the details, but it seems like Eunoia has some business that requires us to sit tight. Jonsey didn't mention anything, so I can only assume that it's nothing too major.

But if I want to speak about anything major, it'll have to be the restoration of my RSI. You see, when the simulacrum took over my RSI, it had an almost virus-like affect on it, leaving our operator Jonsey a lot of backend work to deal with. He warned me today before jacking in that to fully restore my RSI, a few sacrifices had to be made.

The only way I can explain the "sacrifices" is like this. I tried to jump my way up to the top of a small building and I was left to tear and claw my way up the last few feet up because I just didn't make it. Yep. Janny's as weak as a kitten at the moment. I'll live.

On the upswing, I got to slap Veneer today. Not just once, but twice! Talk about taking the good with the bad.

Take it from here

2005-04-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

It felt great to be back in the Matrix today. With a good night's rest and a clear mind under my belt, I felt all different types of refreshed inside the system. Sorta loosey goosey even!

Ides, who is one of my closest friends these days, dropped an interesting idea on me last night while I was peering into the system from onboard the "Being". Much like myself, she too has a problem sleeping out here in the "real", but has none whatsoever while in the Matrix. She suggested that maybe her and I should rent out a place from some blue pill and use it to crash at night. The idea seems a bit odd to me, but she assures me that she jacks out feeling as refreshed as if she had a full 8 hours rest out in the "real" world. Odd to be sure, but I'll have to give it a shot and see if it works.

Oh! Before I forget, one of the red pill news agencies, Megacity Times is doing a series of reports on our faction, No Exit. More people are starting to take notice of us with each passing day, which is good and bad depending on the situation. I find it to be really amazing that while we're not the largest, nor the most powerful faction floating around the system today, we definetly seem to have a good amount of leverage within the system. I'm really proud of what we've accomplished so far.

I'm actually feeling a bit tired, so I'm going to jack out and get some rest. Tomorrow (According to the system, today if you want to get technical) I plan on maybe visiting my parents -- trying out that whole "sleeping inside the system" bit. Of course, I'll let you guys know how it goes. Be safe out there everyone.

Odyssey

2005-04-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

I suppose I owe you all some sort of explanation. After all, it's not every day that your site goes screwy and you have the babbling posts of an insane woman everywhere. I've cleaned everything up since then and now that I've had a bit of rest and a chance to catch my breath, I think I'm ready to explain.

Ever since my awakening I've obviously been a bit troubled. The horrifying truth of the real world is a bit of a bomb to drop on someone and I quite honestly wasn't ready to deal with it, so I started with a bit of mental trauma right off the bat. Not long after I had taken the red pill I met Eunoia, who then introduced me to the "Yellow Pill" that we know and love. Victimizing myself for a second time to the world of harsh reality, I set myself up for a long, hard fall.

For weeks I attempted to cope with the chemical imbalance I had created within myself, which eventually led to my insomnia -- something that I had never experienced before as a blue pill. Eventually, my mind started to buckle, losing it's grip on any sense of reality it had. The "real" world was no different than the Matrix which was no different than my dreams. My obvious difference between myself in the "real", and my RSI in the Matrix helped in splitting my personality in two. Every time I looked in the mirror, my mind couldn't figure out which one was real.

My penchant for hacking the code of the system eventually lead to be subconsciously creating a simulacrum inside my RSI -- more like a copy really as it resembled my own thoughts and desires so much that I hardly noticed she was there. It was more like a whisper really, which lead me to believe that I was hearing voices, going crazy even. When it finally jacked out with me, back into the "real" world, I knew there was something wrong.

Two nights ago, the simulacrum made herself known. In a moment of mental weakness, I shied away in a moment where the simulacrum could thrive, make herself known and live. I'm not quite sure how it happened as Jonsey is still piecing together the information to try and figure it out, but she managed to build such a connection with my mind that she bumped me right out of it and entirely out of my own body.

I had become nothing more than a ghost in the code. I could feel myself starting to tear and fragment under the stress of the system, so I had to make my move immediately. Much to my surprise, the simulacrum expressed such a free will and complete understanding of who I am that nobody noticed for the remainder of the night. In fact, she thought she was me to the point of where she jacked out with my body and proceeded to make a post to this very blog.

I knew this because I was watching her ping the Matrix from the outside, much like I do to communicate and post to this blog at times. Piggy backing off Dr9gon's signal, whom was having a conversation with her while jacked in, I managed to intercept the message being posted and corrupt part of this page as you could see in the system capture linked above. She thought she merely had lost her connection and went to sleep. I took that time to make a plan, but I was going to need someones help.

Luckily for me, Beggar, Captain of our new ship "The Words" jacked in hours later. I sent him what probably appeared to be an insane message, telling him an extremely rough outline of what had happened and that he had to stop my body. My mind was becoming corrupt due to the strength of the system, almost as if it was trying to tear me apart -- as if it knew I didn't belong, so my message was mostly babble to him. Regardless, the simulacrum jacked in with my body not an hour later. She even called him up and struck a conversation, just like I would. If I hadn't warned him, he would have never of known. No one would have.

Beggar isn't that delicate of a man, so it didn't take him long to break her down. She escaped into a nearby tunnel after his first assault, but she didn't get far. He broke her down -- tortured her really until she was weak enough for me to infect my RSI and shove her out of it, much in the same fashion as she did me. After Beggar cleared me, Jonsey initiated the emergency jack out procedure and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up in my bed hours later.

I'm not going to delete any of the posts from yesterday, as they serve as a good reminder that I'm not actually insane. I need help for sure, but I'm confident in that I have a much better grasp and understanding over both myself and the system than I ever have.

I'm really sorry if I scared any of you. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will hold some good news.

Second Movement

2005-04-13T18:46:00.000-07:00

Everything's alright. .

We got her. We got her out of my mind. Everything is alright. . I'm so tired I can barely breathe.

I'll fix this. . I'll fix this all just like I'll fix myself. Everything is so clear now, I just need. . some time to rest.

I'm whole again.

2005-04-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

HelloJanissary ##~1 do you like what IVE done with the ___-2!@# place?

i take myself back tonight

!%*###
. . .
fallon

Positive Tension

2005-04-13T04:05:00.000-07:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

Ah insomnia, sweetest of all the sleeping disorders. You didn't go far, did you? Better not wander off again, I hear that Apnea is a real looker.

I'm not exactly sure what the deal is, but we've been having problems transmitting into the Matrix for the better part of the day, so if this broadcast doesn't quite hit it's mark, then we know what happened. The worst case is that this just gets bounced right back to me and Jonsey goes back to pounding our equipment with a lead pipe.

Since I've been kept out of the system all day due to technical difficulties, it awarded me with some more time to spend with one of my favorite people at the moment, Shelly, the 16 year old brainiac of our new ship "The Words". It's been a while since I've really sat down and spoken with someone around my own age, so it's been quite a release. Even if we are for the most part, talking business. If I didn't have enough reasons to be paranoid, believe me, I #########

ERROR 220
../toys/backdoor_failsafe.exe
# > SIGNAL LOST
## (&!&71**

Self petition

2005-04-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

I managed to work in about 10 hours of healthy, natural sleep aboard the "Being" last night. Do you know what that did for me? It caused me to sleep through a very important meeting with multiple factions this morning concerning the upholding of the truce and the current insanity over the Shaper's. What's a shaper? I'm not even clear myself at this point.

Seeing as how slow of a night it has been inside the system (Or not, considering I apparantly slept through all of it. I'm going back to being an insomniac.) I decided to do some much needed maintainance here on the blog. I really never touched on the inner workings on it since I created it. Upon inspection of the backend of this thing, I have discovered the following-

1) I looked really fat in my picture.
2) I HAD ANNONYMOUS COMMENTING TURNED OFF!
3) I'm a tool.

To rectify these problems, I jacked in and got another image of my RSI made up. The results of which you can see to your right. So much better than the fatty picture of me I had before.

Anonymous posting is now turned on, so now everyone can comment to their hearts content. I like to pretend that nobody actually reads this, but I think the only reason why I was able to keep this illusion was because nobody was able to comment in the first place. If you leave a comment, just sign it with your name, okay?

As for that third one, I'm working on it.

Having a blast, Wish you were here

2005-04-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

Everything has been moving so fast as of late that I've barely had any time to myself to be alone with my thoughts. Although, considering the mental state I had been in for the past week, up until a few days ago? I'd say it's for the best. I've been so physically and mentally exhausted after jacking out of the system recently that I've actually been able to get some sleep. Honest to god sleep. The bags beneath my eyes are still dark as all gets, but at least I feel refreshed when I wake up for once.

Upon jacking out tonight, I found a nice trail of blood oozing from my mouth, most of it dried up. It was definitely one of those nights..

Aside from a slew of Agents -- real Agent's that is, invaded Mara and started mopping the floor with any red pill foolish enough to stand in their way, I'd say that the morning shift inside the Matrix was pretty slow. Veneer and a few other of the boys from No Exit joined me atop the Church as we watched the carnage take place in the courtyard below.

Zionists. I'll never understand why they're so freakin' insane. After achieving their goal of eliminating their red pill in question and despite having a clear tactical advantage (Seriously. It was a massacre), the Machine's called back their Agent's, formed a retreat and got out of there. The moment the retreat was called, despite losing a ton of operatives and achieving absolutely nothing, the Zionists began their typical cries for victory, trash talking and the ever so annoying "FOR ZION!" shouts. Veneer and I looked at each other and started laughing. It made absolutely no god damned sense.

The evening however would bring much more interesting events, as word got out that the renegade Morpheus (Whom if I'm to understand this correctly, is no longer protected under the Truce for endangering it with his antics) was going to be making an appearance down in Mara. While it didn't quite concern us, we all showed up and joined the Tetragrammaton up on the overpass, if anything to annoy the Zionists below. In fact, here's a picture recorded from Jonsey's viewscreens of that moment.

Seriously. Intimidating folk the Tetragrammaton are. Beachhead overheard me saying that to Veneer and almost took it as an insult. I cleared it up and I could have sworn I saw him smile. I have a lot of respect for his crew, if anything for their organization and just flat out bad-assness. Intimidating.

Sadly, Morpheus never showed. Fearless leader Eunoia jacked in and called for a meeting down at our base where we discussed -- Wait, you think I'm going to talk about that here? Although, what did happen after the meeting, I will discuss.

Before it ended, I told Eunoia that there was something I wanted to talk to her about after the meeting, since it really didn't have a place to be discussed in there. After issuing some orders, she took me to a vacant room to have a discussion. As soon as my question left my mouth, one of the false Agent's phased into the room and began to open fire. As soon as gunshots were heard, the rest of No Exit came piling in to help us send it back to the Source.

One of the most frightening moments ever, easily. And as those of us who jacked in tonight know, this obviously wasn't the end of it. They came from everywhere and they were never ending. In search for a safe hideout, Eunoia ordered us to Sai Kung in the international district to hole up in a dojo that we like to use for meetings every once in a while.

The moment I stepped out of the hardline, I felt a searing pain strike me in my abdomen area. I passed it off as a part of the code sickness -- the world of green code you have to swim your way through until it reveals the Matrix. As my vision cleared, an unsettling warmth flushed over my system and I become light headed. I was staring face to face with an LED Agent, his revolver still smoldering from when he fired his weapon directly into my stomach.

Back in the "Being", Jonsey said I started vomiting blood upon impact. Seeing as how this isn't my first time being shot in the Matrix, I did my best to shrug it off and blast him right back between the eyes. Dizzy and in fear of blacking out, I stumbled into the dojo where I found Beggar, as shocked as I was to realize that I was in a mess of blood. The false Agent's were relentless and started phasing into the dojo in an attempt to delete us. Eunoia, having realized that nowhere was safe called us back to the base in Richland to fortify our position on the rooftops.

What ensued was an hour of nonstop fighting. After a while, I felt the ounce of lead inside of me shift positions, making it possible for me to stand up straight again. Despite being in agonizing pain, I endured through it until I could find a break in the action to make a run for a hardline to get the Hell out of the system. The Agent's weren't going to stop.

The whole way there I could feel them jacking into the system, eating up code and spitting their threats. For the most part, it was a hassle free run. Just a few stray bullets to avoid from those battling the Agent's away from the hardlines.

My body was in a bit of shock upon jacking out. After receiving a blow like that, it takes a while for your body to realize that no, you were not really shot and no, you are not bleeding to death. Although, my stomach is still in a bit of pain, as well as my throat from the whole vomiting scene. My head feels a tough light, but overall I'm doing fine.

In fact, with all those action and socializing we've been doing as of late, I think this is the best I've felt since I was awakened. And I got shot today!

Not too bad I must say. Not too bad.

Wanted

2005-04-08T01:45:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in such little time. I'm sure you know the story. False Agent's started appearing all over the city yesterday, containing fragments of . . . whatever and all the big shots want to get their hands on them. I'll spare you those details as I spent much of the day and night making false Agent's dead and playing damage control for the Machinist population through my connections. For the better part of the day, a lot of my Zionist and Merovingian friends though that the Machines were behind all this. Not true.

Regardless, I had quite a surprise waiting for me when I jacked in. The Unknown Source who is behind all this madness sent out a system wide message to red pills in the Matrix.

Kill Janissary. Yep, that's right. This little girl was in control of a lot of "contraband" and I was to either surrender it or face deletion by the hands of red pills across the system, all out for blood. Apparently, of the hundreds of pieces of code fragment that I had turned in to our machine collector, someone out there noticed.

Unfortunately for me, I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

Not a minute after I stepped out of the Hardline at Mara Central, my cell phone was blowing up with all of No Exit trying to get a hold of me, wondering where I was and if I was safe. I thought nothing of it, just that maybe there was an urgent meeting somewhere I had to attend. That's when I realized that all eyes in the center gravitated towards my position. I played it cool and walked over to a local merchant to pawn off some items like I had planned. That's when the first of them struck.

At first I thought it was just some random punk, so I ducked out, flipped over the rail and shouted up at him to keep his hands to himself. Thats when I saw Shadow, a red pill famous for his capabilities in the Matrix wave me forward and yelling at me to go, get out of there. I was still confused, so I decided to make a run to the collector and dump off some fragments.

That same kid was tailing me! He even shot a bullet at me the punk! That's about where I draw the line so I turned around and popped him one in the face, sending him straight back to his ship if he were lucky.

That's also when one of the Enigma Directive laid me out with a nice clothesline. Maybe DeBarlo got to him in time, but he didn't "delete" me. I lost some of my fragments in the scuffle, but at least I'm here to type all this.

Speaking of which, DeBarlo was once again a wanted man. He must be doing pretty good for himself, eh?

The rest of the night was pretty tame, just collecting fragments and hanging out down at the bar in Club Polyvinyl. I met a couple of cool cats, introduced them to the concept of the yellow pill and generally had a good time. It was great to get away from the mass slaying of false Agents.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling a bit frisky. I'm going to go get back to doing that if you don't mind.

Word for the Day: Creepy

2005-04-06T05:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight was interesting for lack of a better word. I believe we all know the story. An unknown source (Who I started to refer to as "Source" as the night went on) began to transmit messages throughout the system, eerily similar to the ones the Machine's transmitted during the cleansing of the Matrix, demanding that "contraband" be turned over or we would face deletion. A deadline of 12 hours was given.

Thus began mass hysteria.

I started out by contacting Agent Gray, to see if I could get an official statement from our camp when it came to dealing with opposite factions. I got exactly what I wanted. Confirmation that it wasn't the Machines sending the message at all. Our mission? To find the Source and see what we can dig up on the contraband in question.

After a rather long meeting with the rest of No Exit, putting our heads and resources together to see what we could come up with, Ides and I teamed up and began to scour the streets of Sobra Shores in search of some answers. The rest of the faction was doing the same as we attempted to find anyone of importance and shake them down for information. Unfortunately, it was a bust as the streets were completely void of any Zionist or Mergovian activities.

That's when I had an epiphany. What was the last place in the city that anyone would look?

Ides and I made our way to the Uriah docks, home of Club Parallaxis.

While upon first inspection, it appeared to be as rewarding as we thought it would be. By that I mean, completely unrewarding. That is until, the first member of The Purged showed up. Then another, and then mobs until practically their whole faction showed up.

Now, if this were any other faction than this would have been a very impressive feat. Unfortunately, it's safe to say that No Exit and The Purged, a Mergovian faction haven't been on the best of terms as of late, due to some under the table deals. To be honest, I don't quite understand what happened, but needless to say it made me a bit nervous.

Yeah, I can't speak for Ides, but myself? I was a tad shaken. To walk in on some secret meeting, in a time of crisis where we don't quite get a long, I had plenty to be nervous about. Fortunately, I spoke with one of their members, made my intentions clear and all seemed well.

I'd like to think that certain people appreciate my more straight forward manner in dealing with these sorts of delicate situations. I'm a very honest person and I'm not one to play around with philosophical, Morpheus style dribble. I say what has to be said in an honest, yet almost heartfelt manner. I guess it's easier to say, I speak with a good combination of mind and heart. Anyways, back to our situation.

Dr9gon showed up for support in case things went South, but fortunately it didn't come to that. In fact, I ended up putting on some dancing shoes and the three of us got down. It probably made The Purged feel a bit awkward, so they all ran out in one big group. No big meeting ever happened (They said they were contacted by a source and told to meet there. Nothing to my knowledge occurred) and so we bailed to. A very interesting experience.

After regrouping over in the AChan district, I felt the urge to jack out. The pinging in my head, coupled with the rain and the beyond creepy system messages didn't settle well with me. I spent the next few hours in my quarters attempting to get some rest. It never came, but things got very quiet.

In fact, a bit too quiet. I'm sitting here without a clue as to what happened after I left. Obviously, the Matrix hasn't imploded, but I'd still like to know what happened. And I know just the people to ask. . .

Don't get mad

2005-04-05T03:10:00.000-07:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

The system was down for the better part of the day. While a momentary lapse in the stability of the Matrix every now and then isn't anything to be concerned about (With all the newly found red pills being dragged from their slumber these days, it's not suprising that the system is straining), today's downtime was enough to warrant a bit of worrying.

I spent the day sitting in the cold confinement of my quarters, falling in and out of sleep. At one point I thought about my parents. Were they alright? Would they get "dumped" in this extended outage? I hadn't recieved an email from my Father (A self aware blue pill) in weeks. As soon as the system was up, I swore to check up on them.

Everyone in the "Being" with the exception of Escutcheon (Which I'll have you know, was spelt right the first time without looking. For once.) was asleep by the time the Matrix came back up on the ships systems. I poked Jonsey awake and told him I was going in.

Inside the Matrix, the system let out a storm of rain. Like a bad noir film, something bad always happens when it rains. I called up Ides, being one of the few jacked in. Besides, I wasn't done pestering her from the night before.

By chance we met up on a rain soaked bridge leading to Sobra Shores. Under a street lamp we continued our phone conversation which led us to an interesting point. Both of us are being contacted by the same, mysterious man who enjoys speaking in relative riddles. I have to wonder if he realizes we know each other. Considering how all knowing he appears to be? I wouldn't doubt it. Something is definetly weird about this..

Soon after saying our goodbyes, Ides called me while out on a mission for Gray. He had placed her in a most peculiar of situations. By "peculiar", I really mean "horrible", as it's one that mimics one of my disasters in one too many ways. Since it's her personal business, I'm not going to spill it here. Regardless, I offered to take her out for a drink afterwards, since that was the only thing that could calm my nerves after I had commited much the same deeds. She declined and promised to take me up on my offer the next time we met in the system. She wanted to sleep and I could completely understand that.

I on the other hand, could do anything but. Thinking about what she had done only made me think of my past. My heart began to thump through my chest as I gripped my pistol, nestled in it's holster. I was angry. At myself, but hurting myself would do no good.

I walked back over the bridge leading to Sobra Shores. Trouble always seemed to be following me, pouncing whenever it saw the opportunity to strike. Tonight, I struck back.

As a blue pill, my parents always told me to stay out of Westview. They used to say that if I was with friends and their car broke down in Westview, to first call the cops and second to call them to get picked up. Now that I've seen the place, I can't blame them for warning me.

Finding the first mouthy thug to get a bit too fresh didn't take long. I surprised him with a swift kick between the legs and tossed him into a nearby alley. As I casually strolled in, I took a pot shot at his knee, pinning him to the ground. I kneeled down and pretended to interrogate him. Asking him what he knew about some of the "random freaks in shiny trenchcoats" running around the area. Of course he didn't know anything, but at that moment, I didn't care.

Earlier, I had warned Ides to tell me if I was getting too sadistic. This was me at my most sadistic.

Jacking out for the night, Jonsey leaped out of his chair and grabbed me by the arm, demanding to know why the Hell I played bad cop with the random blue pill.

I didn't have an answer.

Something tells me that I need to start hanging around my crew more, both in and outside the Matrix. When I'm with them, my mind has less time to wander. Less time to talk me into stupid things. Less time to entertain my not-so-good intentions.

One of these days

2005-04-04T01:25:00.000-07:00

Considering all the random missteps and information leaks that we've had to put up with throughout this past week, I'm starting realize that maybe all the deep probing was for a reason beyond the shallow one I gave myself. The reason being, "They don't trust you". Taking a step back from the recent situations I've found myself in, I think I was for some reason looking for something to fuel a fire within myself. As if I was actually trying to make myself negatively just for the sake of it. That isn't like me. Odd.

Before I would come to this realization, I would have a talk with Eunoia which, to understate it, didn't go well. Like some of the others in my crew, she was trying to get to the bottom of my problems. The way the conversation took place, it was almost like a mother/daughter thing if that makes sense. I knew she cared and had her best intentions but I just wouldn't break. When I jacked out afterwards, I found that she was already back in her quarters, pacing around. I could tell because I heard her steps echoing off the cabin of the ship. Heh, I almost feel as if I'm in trouble with this one.

On a bit more of a positive note, I finally got to meet Ides after so long of just hearing about her. She found me hanging around the Mara South hardline reading up on The Sentinel and accused me of hitting on the paperboy. No fair I say, but shes really awesome. I'm so glad that I finally got to meet her.

Now all I have to meet is the mystery person who keeps contacting me. He says that I'm the teacher and that hes just giving me the lessons. The way I see it, I'm more like his muse. Hmm. That's a pretty cryptic and nerving way to end a post. Isn't it?

Trouble

2005-04-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

"Don't allow kindness to become a snare."

Those words are going to echo through my head all night.

It was supposed to be so easy

2005-04-03T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel as if my good intentions are having the opposite of my desired effects. I've become a magnet for labels as of late, all of which are seemingly anything but positive. In all my attempts to tell the truth and nothing but, I can't help but feel as if there is air in mistrust around me. Or maybe it's just because some people can't help but to bring it to light.

When someone, or in this case, a program can't help himself but to break into Machine records and bring up the file on not only my life post awakening, but my life as an ordinary blue pill in search for any scrap of incriminating information, you really start to wonder just what some people think about you.

Trouble has become something like a monkey on my back, refusing to let go, as if he's found himself a nice home perched atop myself. Reveling in delight to all my missteps along the way.

It's time to grow some tougher skin.

All these things that I've done

2005-04-02T05:31:00.000-08:00

And the hits just keep on coming.

Agent Gray held a meeting with not only us at No Exit, but BeachHead's crew The Tetragrammaton. Try saying that 5 times fast. Anyways, I'm obviously not going to blab about what Gray told us in the meeting, but at one point his words hit me like a kick to the stomach.

Essentially, he had informed us that certain members of the Zion alliance had received some valuable information from (If I'm to understand this correctly) the terrorist Niobe. As he went down the list of people in which were to hunt down and extract information from "By any means necessary", I became flush, dizzy, almost to the point of passing out.

The man who had risked everything to transfer me from my old ship, the "Headlong" over here to the "Being" was on that list. I, along with the rest of the Machinist nation had been ordered to hunt him down and break him for information. As soon as the meeting was adjourned I bolted out the back door and up to the rooftops, making a frantic attempt to message him via cell phone.

Meanwhile, I had been ordered not only by Agent Gray, but by my captain to get the information required. I was torn between my sense of honor and my duty to my crew. Just thinking about it made bile rise from my throat. I knew that what I was doing was in part wrong, but I'll have to put it in perspective. We agreed to meet at an undisclosed location. As I sat in waiting at the location, I turned off my cell phone and went into deep thought.

You see, considering the events as of late? I feel as if I had been a curse upon my last crew upon the "Headlong". They were a well oiled machine until I showed up. I drove one man insane at the mere thought that a person working for the Machines was functioning out of their vessel, I gave them hope at the cleansing of the Matrix and caused half of their crew to be wiped out, killed the woman who awakened me and then, for the encore, proceeded to get the remaining two operatives killed by Agents, but not before they put a bullet in my stomach.

I am a god damned curse.

And here I was, in a sense going against my crew and jeopardizing everything. And for what? Maybe to take a chance for some inner peace? To feel as if I done something right? I tried to find a compromise within the situation, but when the elevator doors opened to reveal not only the man I was waiting for, but about 5 others all fully geared out.

My composure went entirely out the window. My hands were shaking the entire time. I had met with them alone, despite a few offers from the boys on my crew to tag along, because I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to feel as if I wasn't setting him up for anything. I can't blame him for coming well prepared, his life was in danger. But I felt as if he didn't trust me. I can't blame him either.

Regardless, I'm going to go on the record here and relay what occurred in this meeting. I made it clear that he was in danger and being hunted by the Machines. I owed him this much of a heads up for what he has done for me in the past, if not more. I asked him straight, if Niobe had told him anything of importance, and that it was imperative that I knew because what Niobe found could potentially destabilize the Matrix. He said he didn't. I believe him and I wish to bring some of the heat off his back.

I realize that he could have just flat out lied to my face, or as someone else put it, that maybe he doesn't know but that doesn't mean someone else in his crew doesn't (Another man that Gray mentioned came along for our private meeting. It was a shock to me as I didn't anticipate it.). But honestly? With who I'm dealing with, I do believe what he said. I find him to be a very honorable man, despite what he did for me, considering we're on opposite sides on our brewing little civil war.

Like I said, I tried to find a compromise in the situation. I wanted to keep him out of harms way and I wanted to get the information I needed. I feel as if accomplished that. So why do I feel so bad about it?

I had a little talk about all this with Escutcheon down at Club Duality afterwards. His straight forward style really helped my clear my mind of everything. I haven't really spoken to anyone on a personal level since, well, since my big incident a few nights ago. It felt really good to let out some personal feelings, even if it was just a smidge of it. Thanks Easy E.

I know that some of this is going to come back and bite me in the ass come later. I wouldn't be surprise if I awoke to the sounds of Eunoia pounding on my door to get some answers. I just need to be honest with everyone and so far, I felt as if I've done that.

Thankfully, due to all the insanity as of late? Sleep hasn't been so difficult to obtain.

Feelin' Fine

2005-04-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

I'd like to start out by saying that I have not since the incident of 2 nights ago. While this is not out of the ordinary for my insomnia, it does lead to something more significant. My bones are sore, my body is still convulsing every so often and my mind has no idea where it is. As I type this, my surroundings lit only by the warm glow of the viewscreen, I'm struggling to keep function at this point.

I really wish I could do something about it, but I can't. What is the incident you say? Apparently, enough people in the system know, to the point where I had seemingly random contact with an individual about it. I won't go into details, but I'm sure someone around you knows the story.

The long story short, I'm a murderer and a fairly horrible person. Only "fairly" because at least I have remorse.

In the system, a few of the guys from No Exit asked the same question.

"How are you doing?"

I'm doing grand. That's why the circles under my eyes deepen with the hour. That's why I hear screams in the back of my head and the face of the one I killed.

Yeah, I'm doing grand.

Vaneer invited me out for a drink. I referred to it as a "Get better soon!" gathering, but I digress, I appreciate whatever he meant with it. I don't think he trusts me. I don't think I blame him at this point.

I tried to shrug off everyone's concerns. I appreciate that they're worried about me, of course. It's good to know that at least some people are looking out for me when I'm obviously not. I may be trying to hard to avoid the topic, to try and forget the past...I don't know if it's the best course of action, but it helped to get me through the insanity of tonight's events.

This is where I brake hard and change the subject.

Dr9gon, who's red pill blog you see linked to the right joined our ranks here aboard the "Being". I'm pretty excited about this for a few reasons, but I didn't greet him when he came aboard. Most of the crew was sleeping, but I was just sitting quietly in my room, making a horrible attempt to relax. Much like in the system, from what I overheard, he seems like a great guy.

Back to my quarters for now. You can expect me to be jacked in within a few hours, unless I of course actually manage to fall asleep. I apologize for the overly angsty post, but considering whats been happening within the past 48 hours? It can't be helped.

Besides, it's the nature of the media.

Slightly Elite

2005-03-30T04:27:00.000-08:00

## Broadcast Depth
## Incoming Transmission...
## Being
## Loading . . .
## ../toys/backdoor_box.exe
## Complete
## Have a nice day
## Janissary

Greetings from the "Being". While working on my Junior Operator merit badge, our operator Jonsey helped (By "Help" I mean he coded the entire thing while I smiled and nodded) me whip up this program to blog from outside the Matrix. Essentially, it's a program that weasels it's way into the system, latches onto the piece of code where my blog is located and voila, the post you see here. Typically, foreign programs are terminated the second they hit the Matrix. I guess it's so insignificant that whatever is in charge really doesn't care to notice it.

Either that or Jonsey is brilliant. The case is still out on that one. Either way, thanks.

I didn't spend as much time as I would have liked to inside the system tonight, but I honestly think it was for the best. Can I be honest here for a bit? Maybe I just have a lot on my mind, or maybe the cold, desolate air of this ship brings something out in me, but I really need to speak out about something inside of me.

I've grown desensitized to killing.

The first few times that Iriomote, the woman who awakened me and the leader of my old crew took me into the loading constructs to fire a weapon, I was scared out of my mind. She had me practice against dummy stimula, both for aim and to actually get over my fear of shooting another person. The entire time I kept thinking how insane the whole process was and how I could never get used to it. I flinched everytime I pulled the trigger and winced in response to every connected shot.

Fast forward to tonight, only a month later. I'm gunning down Mergovian thugs like it's going out of style. The Agent's I work with love what I do, and in some sick way I think I'm starting to love it as well.

Christ. A chill just ran down my spine. When I'm out of the system, I look at my hands and I can't believe how many they've struck down. And how I feel absolutely nothing for it. Then they start to shake and I try to clear my mind. I try and separate the two lives, but of course it's impossible.

Recently, and this is the bad part, I've been increasingly aggressive. I enter a room full of hostiles almost anticipating the carnage. When an Agent calls upon me for my services, I relish in the thought of combat. It's almost turning into bloodlust.

Case in point, I received a call from Zeerus today while we were both in the system. He had a big job to do and wanted to know if I could lend a hand. My response?

"Just a minute. I have to make somebody bleed."

He hesitated with his words and wrapped up the conversation as quickly as possible. When I hung up the phone I felt my stomach drop with sickness. Was that really me who said that? Was I really becoming, in Agent Grey's words, a killing machine?

I kicked in the door leading to my objective, thinking to myself how I used to be such a nice girl.

I'd like to believe that I am because I still believe that there is a lot of good in me. I'm just starting to lose my grip. I need to start focusing more on what I want and whom I want to be. I understand that violence is apart of all our lives now as red pills, but to bask in it so much? I make myself sick just thinking about it. About myself at this point.

Actually, don't worry about me too much. I'll just tell you what I tell myself. This just has to be the lack of sleep (Thank you nightmares) and the pinging in my head getting to me. Between deepening the circles under my eyes and constantly feeling as if I should run, bolting out of the system, I'm just not doing so hot.

I'll try my best to keep it together though. The last thing I want to do is let down my crew. If I ever disappoint them -- Auhg, I don't even want to think about it. Okay. Let's try for some sleep.
## Disconnect . . .

Second stop, Angst

2005-03-29T03:17:00.000-08:00

Now here's a peculiar grey area if there ever was one.

While I wasn't jacked in for long today (It's that pinging again..), in the short time I was there I managed to run into an old friend. A blue pill by the name of Tara. That's a bit vague. To be more precise, my old classmate Tara.

Standing outside Club Polyvinyl, I was having a casual chat with a Zionist. I wish I caught his name too. Not for superficial reasons, but just because he was a mellow guy. Unlike a lot of the others affiliated with Zion, he actually gave into logical thought, and in the least humored me and my ideals. That's a lot more than I can say for a lot of the others I've met. Most of them enjoy regaling me with overly articulate psycho-babble on a near religious level.

"Fallon? Oh my god! I haven't seen you in years! How have you -- look at you!"

I was pretty overjoyed when Tara surprised me. We went way back and it was nice to see someone that I knew from before all this madness. The Zionist I was chatting with those was a bit less then thrilled. As Tara and I plunged into a high speed conversation, making an attempt to catch up on lost years, the Red Pill grew increasingly anxious.

You see, even with this truce, the subject of us meeting with those who are not yet awakened is considered to be highly dangerous. For all I know an agent of the system who, despite realizing that some of us actually help them, really dislikes humans can copy over her RSI and wipe me from existence with a well placed bullet to my surprised little head. The red pill knew this as he took a few steps back, anticipating her assimilation.

Lucky for him, things didn't go that way.

Tara and I said our goodbyes and promised each other to stay in touch. I knew I wouldn't keep it, but I'm not one to break the illusion. I envy her. Being able to stay out late with friends, party it up, get tipsy and than make an attempt to sneak back into her house without her parents knowing. Sure, it's a bit less exciting then being chased by gun wielding maniacs and invisible spies day in and day out, but at least the average daily survival rate is a bit higher to say the least.

I turned my attention back to my Zion friend whom, despite being in shock over the situation, managed to shake his head and call me reckless. I just sort of cocked my head and asked, "What?"

I knew "what" and I guess it was a bit reckless now that I think about it. I need to come to grips with the fact that if I want to protect these people from harm, I'm just going to have to disappear. Easier said then done..

Back aboard "The Being", my nightmares won't stop. A room full of thugs, Eunoia doing everything she can to improve the situation and an ounce of searing hot lead between my chest. It's the same dream, the same scream, the same feeling of cold sweat and my heart pounding out of control every night.

It's actually very troubling. The reoccurring nightmare, while disturbing on it's own, is a bit frightening for other reasons. Dreams are how I became to be awaken. I dreamt the situation. The woman in the black trench coat, the two pills..the fatal choice was already made before the event even occurred. Before that, I plenty of other dreams that turned into deja vu, only on a more trivial level.

With a deja vu record like mine, I'm starting to not like my odds for survival at this point. The pinging in my head, keeping me out of the system is the only thing keeping me alive at this point I fear.

But I'm not going to focus on the negative aspects right now. I'm aboard a great ship with an amazing crew and my entire situation has been flipped 180 for the good. I should really start focusing on the positive aspects of my situations, eh?

It's so hard

2005-03-28T01:07:00.000-08:00

I met up with Beggar today in the International district of town for what was supposed to be a meeting with Treius and some of the other boys from No Exit. Considering that not only are we being tracked by a few folks that wish to remain anonymous (Don't worry, we know who you are.) and I was without clearance to be anywhere near the area, it had bad times written all over it.

Upon arriving at our meeting site, we managed to get into a brawl with a few thugs. I, not quite prepared to deal with the situation hid around a corner, watching debris and other shrapnel fly through the air until they could cause enough of a distraction to get me inside. So far, the meeting wasn't going as planned. Now that I think about it? We never did get to that meeting.

Once inside our rendezvous point, Veneer (a.k.a Exile Boy) alerted us to the fact that there were a bit too many people inside the building as well who didn't want us to know they existed. After a few plans were made we headed back to the slums where it was at least safe.

We spent the rest of the night atop a building just fooling around. The boys of No Exit are really fun to be around and for a while, I managed to forget about the worries of being in the system.

That is of course, after I felt the now all too familiar pinging in the back of my head. I can't quite explain it, but every so often I just get this sense that tells me to get out of the Matrix. I'm sure it's nothing, but considering how dangerous it is (And is apparently getting for us specifically) inside the system, I wouldn't risk second guessing it. I jacked out for the time being.

Back aboard "The Being", I had our operator Jonsey play doctor for me. No, I didn't have to turn my head and cough or anything like that, but I still have these two gaping wounds on both my forehead and the back of my skull thanks to an ex-crew mate aboard my old ship not only bouncing my skull of a monitor, but also slam dunking me down a flight of steps. He was a nice person, I know.

The scabs for the most part are healing up nicely and the bleeding stopped a while ago. But considering how ugly it is to just stare at this hole in my head, I think I'll keep wearing my make-shift bandanna. I still think it looks cool.

"Your forehead looks like hamburger meat."

Thanks Jonsey. You're a doll.

On the up

2005-03-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

For the first time since I took the red pill, I think I finally have a shot at happiness. A few days ago, thanks to some fellow red pills who'd be safer kept anonymous, I left the confines of the "Headlong" and joined up with Eunoia and her crew aboard "The Being".

The journey between ships -- something that I didn't even consider beforehand, was virtually painless thanks to the concise effort of the anonymous crew. A bit of tunnel travel, made quick thanks to the stories of the crew in help, and I was making the transfer. I really owe a lot to those guys. So if you're out there, I owe you all a drink.

Upon entering "The Being" I was met with the somewhat scowling face of their operator, Jonsey, and on the opposite end of the spectrum, the endearing smile of my new captain (Whom I like I refer to as "Fearless Leader") Eunoia.

She shook my hand, "Welcome aboard Fallon."

Those words were a long time in the making and was the best thing I had heard in weeks. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that, embarrassingly, I grabbed at her hands and started bowing like crazy, thanking her like she was Santa Claus or something.

She just laughed.

After showing me around the ship, I was shown to my quarters where I was given a bit of alone time to get myself situated. I fell into my cot and started at the grunt work of the ceiling, smiling my little head off. For the first time since I left the safety of my life, I felt happy. I felt like I was home.

In short, things are wonderful.

Obligatory Greeting

2005-03-24T03:06:00.000-08:00

A lot of people who are going to see this blog are going to think nothing of it, passing it off as the fiction of some crazy kid. Oddly enough, they're the luckiest of all. To people like myself, it's only a mirror to the true horror. The real world. If you pass this off as fiction, continue to do so. Keep living your life and think nothing of these rants. Just do me a favor. Every night, before you fall asleep, remind yourself how lucky you are.

I've jacked in and stared at this blank canvas over and over again, trying think of someway to kick this off. Everytime I come here to jot down my thoughts, my world gets flipped upside down to where it's almost like starting all over again.

When I originally intended to start this blog, chronicling my life (Which if what I've seen is any indication, may not be a very long period of time) as a recently awakened individual, it was when I had joined up with a woman named Eunoia and her group of ex-Zionists.

And then, the Matrix collasped. The crew I was with was largely wiped out and I was plunged into a communication black out, much like the rest of you. After the "cleansing" I wanted to start again.

Tonight, I came face to face with an Agent. Not just any Agent, but a high ranking one. It was a weird feeling, waltzing into a Machine governed building, Agents stepping aside and giving me clearance to where a meeting would take place. I was congratulated, thanked even. As I left the building, a chill ran down my spine.

This is where brows lower and fists clench, where others smirk. Yes, I work for the Machines.

Although, being in their presense is something -- uneasy to say the least. My eyes constantly darting around, paranoid that I was just getting set up for a long fall. During the great cleansing, I was kicked down, hunted and shot by an Agent. Having one shake my hand and thank me was quite the gut check.

So here I am, at another new begining. Now, the real run begins.